Tripping without Falling

The following *text follows a systemic series of thoughts I found myself quite literally tripping over on one of my walks this week.

So yes this is about the kind’ve tripping that involves twisting an ankle, and not Psilocybin-based, although that does sound like a concept of a blog for another time.

*I use the term text loosely to create a mentality that something I write may actually hold some weight with someone and not purely be an outlet for my ADHD and where my brain goes when I find some tangent

Failure shows itself in many shapes and sizes.

I just finished my nightly walk with my dogs and to no surprise managed to trip more times than I’d prefer to admit.

Despite my chronic clutzipathy (not a word but i like the sound of it), I managed to not completely fall to the Earth (regardless of gravity rearing its ugly head and whispering all of Sir Isaac Newton’s dirty little philosophical mutterings into my colloquial ear).

It was 12:17am in the morning when I tripped for the second time on our walk.

I choose to blame my oversized pajama bottoms that tend to drag no matter how many times I roll them

clutzipathy  kluh·tz·i·​pathy noun kl-uh-tz-pə-thē : an overall awareness of your inept ability to be an absolute clutz in any and all situations.

Now what did I do in the immediate seconds proceeding my trip?

I laughed at myself and kept moving on as if nothing happened, although I did spook my dogs.

It’s past midnight and fucking cold, what else would any sane person do?

(this is not me accusing myself of sanity, I feel I have been long gone from that realm since the mid 2000’s)

But as I was walking after that trip, my thoughts also began to *stumble.

*See my clever play on words there? And even if you didn’t; my inability to be humble and pretend I don’t think I’m utterly hilarious requires me to make you either go back and look at it now or at least waste some more of your time telling you about it.

Anywho-

As I caught myself and kept walking, in the midst of my post-trip somewhat self-depricating chuckle I muttered something along the lines of, “nice job Lauren”. But here’s the thing, despite my natural sarcastic homeostasis my dialogue consistently maintains, I meant it. I mean do you know how inconvenient it would have been for me to fully fall on that sidewalk? It took everything in me to even get myself to go on that walk in the first place, I HATE to be cold. 

There's a reason I went form Ohio to Arizona.

What I liked and stood out to me about where my mind went in that moment was that rather than being upset for tripping in the first place, I was more so glad that I managed to prevent that trip from turning into a fall.

Maybe this is just me trying to be that irrevocable ‘glass half full’ person I oh so strive to be, but more so I think it’s a moment of food for thought (if you’re hungry).

If I learned anything in college, aside how to pour a beer with minimal foam and how to function somewhat properly on two hours sleep, it was to seek failure.

This was the common theme throughout the entirety of my time studying entrepreneurship in college. I think a component that can transversely be added onto this is how we overall choose to view failure. Some may choose to view a stumble as a form of failure, but when you really break down what it means to stumble, you may start to see it in a different light.

But maybe I’m just trying to gaslight you into thinking I’m not clumsy at all and actually more of a part-time philosopher.

What happened was when I started to fail in one way (falling) I pivoted by catching myself and making it a stumble. We do this a lot of different ways in life, whether it’s pumping the breaks on a romantic relationship or turning down the fireball shot and opting for a beer in hopes of saving your future self a headache (figuratively and literally).

There’s a difference between seeking failure when the result of the success you’re looking for is unknown. I.E maybe going on a date with someone who isn’t normally ‘your type’ or you don’t seem to have a lot in common, but there is still a chance that you find some sort of success in the endeavor - or at least you reaffirm that men who work in finance still are full of $hit.

I’m not going to try and spin this anyway that had I fully “sought failure” on the walk with my dogs and ate shit on the concrete would have opened up any kind’ve door for me, aside from potentially that of an urgent care.

But I will say I genuinely believe there are thousands of much less literal stumbles and falls in life that will open doors you never even realized. The world of opportunity is a speakeasy; we just have to find out how to get there and get inside.

Back to the shapes and sizes failure presents itself in our lives:

The shape I personally encounter the most seems to revolve around my love life.

Even just writing that out seems facetious seeing as it has seemed to inhabit everything but the love part. 

Since I’m sure none of you live in a cave (seeing as you’ve clicked an electronic link to even make it here to my blog) I’ll take it you know the term ‘falling in love’.

Now I would like to preface that I am someone who has never been in love, so who’s to say I can actually give any insight here, but I am already up here on my soap box, so might as well give it a whirl.

I don’t like the phrase falling in love because it aides in this mentality that love is something we don’t mean for that just happens to us. Now that’s not to say you can’t unintentionally meet a person or be instantly attracted to someone. BUT the actual process of love (in my view) should be intentional.

It should not be this instantaneous thing because you do not know who a person is to there very soul in an instant. You cannot gather over one glance that this man will not only be a good partner to you, but in time a good father to your children. Further than that (assuming it’s in God’s plan for me) I don’t want my kids to have a good dad - I want an amazing one for them. 

Yes one that makes them laugh and protects them; but also works in tandem with me to hold them (as well as myself and his self) accountable. Disappointment is inevitable – and I don’t say that in a scary pessimistic way; but rather in a prepared manner. Kids will say and do things they don’t mean, honestly adults will to. When I find my person I want to know they will look my child in the eye and work to instil the values I think people should be raised with.

To not laugh at people who are different than us. To respect everyone because it is not something to be earned. To stand up for those who may not have the support or ability to do so for themselves.

Nothing in that realm just ‘falls’ into your lap.

Tripping allows you the opportunity to catch yourself and change behaviors in your life to keep from falling.

Stop dragging your feet and work towards whatever it is you want to in this life.

Xoxo Mild Girl

On The Market

When analyzing dating culture and trends earlier this week, I realized something.

*Okay, so I guess I could also phrase that as when I was scrolling through Hinge in bed earlier, but I sound a lot more academic with my previous statement, so I’ll leave it as is.

Dating is a whole hell of a lot like shopping. 

Just think about it.

I either go all in and do a big haul or wait months until I’m in an uncomfortable position because nothing fits and everything I have has been exhausted beyond it’s limits (or chewed by my dog).

Let’s take a minute, what’s your personal shopping style? Do you just go out and see if something catches your eye? Are you willing to settle for any knit sweater, or willing to wait for that one you’ve always wanted? Even if it takes some more time, effort or money.

Even when you find that sweater you wanted, does it fit and compliment you the way you thought it would? But the thought of returning it, making the shipping label after all the effort you put into finding it seems like a bit of a hassle..

.. anything sounding familiar?

Let’s just think about dating with intention, or for the sake of the blog, ‘shopping with intention’. If you need a good quality pair of jeans, you’re not gonna go to Dick’s Sporting Goods (unbeknownst to be they may actually sell jeans, if I’m wrong let’s pretend I’m not).

If you’re looking for someone who’s motivated and at a good place in their life, are those the places you find yourself looking for a partner. Are you putting yourself in the position to meet someone of the caliber you desire?

Let’s say it’s really important for you to have a partner that’s of the same faith as you, well, then you probably shouldn’t be looking for them in the club.

When we shop in the clearance section we can’t expect to find something of great quality, that’s not to say it’s not there. But we can’t be expecting it. Even if we do find a brand new pair of Levi’s on clearance for $15, they might not be your size.

So that cute investment broker you met at the pool table of the dive bar last night? He could be emotionally unavailable.. Or live in Ireland.

And yes, both have happened to me.

I’m gonna get real and potentially a little triggering for people so either buckle or make your way towards your nearest exit sign.

When I was younger I had an eating disorder. No feeling bad for me, I have worked past it and honestly the experience has made me stronger and allowed me to develop a whole new way to value ALL of myself as a human. But here’s what I say about this. One thing I noticed as a catalyst of my ED was constantly wanting to achieve a certain image. Whether it was a smaller number on the size tag of my jeans or a certain style that was flattering to bodies different than mine. I remember squeezing into size 2 jeans for the majority of my eighth grade year. I would wear oversized sweaters so you couldn’t tell they couldn’t fit, but it was okay because they were Size 2 and zipped up all the way. I remember the red marks and indents that littered my waist and surrounding area as I would consciously hide them in the locker room when changing for basketball practice.

I was chasing an image. How I wanted people to view me. This can translate to romantic relationships, what is going to be the quality/characteristic/personality of a person that will ultimately make you happy and complete what it is you’re looking for in a partner?

Do you want the person with 'that' job because you feel like that's the support you need in life, or because society tells you that? Maybe it's not society, maybe it's your mom (sorry mom).

I frequent a lot of pool tables at a dirty little local dive bar that I hold very near and dear to my heart. I'd the average age of people at that table on a given week night (when i'm most apt to go) is 42, and that's with my age included in the calculation. So that being said not exactly the most promising place for romantic prospects, unless of course I decide I want a sugar daddy.

... and after my bank account after paying last month's rent I think I'm pretty close.

But I'm not expecting to find the future father of my children to be stuck to the grimy floor of Pattie's 1st Ave. It's like when we go to the flea market, you never quite know what you're going to find.

Just be open to the experience, go in with no expectations and enjoy the ride.

Xoxo Mild Girl

True to Myself

In an age of social media we are surrounded by surrealism of filters, photoshop and fake smiles (the kind that resemble advertisements for veneers and people who are dead in the eyes). 

Some choose to signify their protest of this instant gratification lifestyle by abandoning all forms of social media.

To me, this is like choosing not to vote because you can’t stand the current state of our country. While that is completely your right, I find it a little silly (Sorry, not sorry Jared). By participating that is what invites us to the table to break our theoretical daily bread.

Although it was just a witty play on my last name I came up with in the seventh grade, my username @therealspeel has come to mean so much more to me than that. While I definitely do not shy away from the active selfie posting on my instagram story, I truly believe that I try to live my life (both in reality and in the social media spectrum) in a way that exhibits authenticity. 

I mean just look where we are. How many people are going to link hours worth of writing to their sex life, past (some failed) relationships as well as some of their most intimate (albeit, embarrassing at times) moments for you to skim at your leisure?

I’m currently sitting here in a coffee shop wearing a work appropriate outfit and last night's makeup. At the glance someone may see me here on my laptop thinking I’m the kind’ve person that has it together and whose life is ‘figured out’. I can’t even tell you the last time I went grocery shopping, the closest thing in my fridge to protein is a singular egg and the acorn squash I got at Fry’s because it’s cute as hell and I think cost a dollar.

While I know I’m only twenty-four and that’s an early, novice level in the grand scheme of this big mess we call life I still feel valid in giving input on what I’ve learned thus far, so take it or leave it. After these last twenty years (not sure I remember anything before the age of four), I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m officially too old to waste time not being myself. 

Let’s talk about this in the context of dating: Recently I was given advice on playing ‘hard to get’ to a guy. Here’s the thing though: I am fucking hard to get. That doesn’t mean I won’t text you back when I see it or that I’ll hide my feelings. Quite the opposite, I will wear my heart on my sleeve (despite the devil on my shoulder that tells me that people will leave when they get to know the real me). I will be so transparent en lieu of wanting to act like this tough, sarcastic asshole that can’t be hurt. In reality, I get my feelings hurt so very easily. 

It’s the cancer woman in me, the astrological sign not the other one… that’s gone now

But I refuse to let boys or anyone dim my light.

I will keep showing up as my true, authentic self. 

Each person that decides that’s too much or not right for them, I welcome it. It doesn’t mean they’re wrong, they’re just not for me. Which is so viscerally OKAY. We live in a world where not everyone is meant to mesh in an intimate way. 

I used to wonder how the majority of relationships don’t just work out. I mean once you get past like a month of seeing eachother you really know whether or not you want to continue seeing this person. Outside of different religious views, values and overall directionality of your life - what else really is there to cause people to part ways two, three years into a relationship?

From my last romantic, endeavor I think I realized what it is…

… and that is filling your cup.

And I’m not talking about the sperm one at the bank.

I had this guy that I had gone out with a few times and for the first time in a while I felt I could see some relationship potential. Here’s the thing though: while yes he was attractive and could actually hold a conversation, he did not fill my cup.

It was great when we were together and he did the things like making the dinner reservations, paying and holding doors. But that’s about where it ended. In the days between seeing one another I’d experience anxiety because I was not getting the emotional reassurance I needed. Now this can look different for everyone. I’m not the kind’ve girl that needs a “Good morning beautiful 🥰🥰” text every goddamn day. Honestly, I think I’m better off without it. But at a point where you are consistently seeing someone there (in my opinion) should be some level of communication.

Now here’s where one of my best friend’s Caleb advised me to play the whole hard to get thing and avoid texting the guy. Do you think I listened? Please, I don’t think I’ve listened to a single thing a man has said to me in the last 15 years.

But I’ve since realized something: I shouldn’t have texted the guy. Not because I need to play some mental game. But because of the kind’ve man I am looking for in my life I want someone who will pursue me. Now, I do still believe that if a guy is truly interested in you they will never be turned off by you sending them a message (unless it’s unreciprocated and getting out of hand). But a good indicator of the type of man he is how often / when he texts you when it is unprompted and the two of you are not together.

I both hate and love people and have always been one to branch out and meet new people, but honestly I’m at a point where my cup is so filled that it is constantly filled and overflowing at times. With this cup I am filled to the brim with the love and acceptance of so many friends and family (as well as the forty-year olds at my local dive bar that are enamored with me). I honestly do not have the capacity to be wasting my goddamn time trying to get some guy who’s unsure about me to contribute to what I have to offer.

Now that’s no slight to any man, it’s just made me look and love and relationships in a whole new light and reminded me (in a good way) why it is that I’m single. I need someone who sees how full my cup is and helps to either relieve some of that or hold me steady so I don’t end up spilling all of my contents.

When I find that kind’ve man (or he finds me) that will be the time I take my next relational leap of faith. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Have you ever had a time in life where many people gave you the same advice and you never took it? Only to randomly do that advice at some far beyond point in time only to realize they were right exuberantly right all along?

Whether it was going out of your comfort zone or a Netflix show they thought you’d like, it all applies.

For years my friends have consulted me on why I give so much to men that give little to none back. I wonder the same fucking thing, and I’ve realized what it is: I fall for the potential. I see what kind’ve partner I think someone can be and I hone in on that rather than the reality of the kind’ve partner they are showing me at that point in time.

Sometimes you need to get burned by the stove one too many times to truly learn the lesson to put on your theoretical oven mit.

This is a lesson that I’ve been stubbornly trying to learn for years now, and for the first time I think it has actually sunk in (but just wait til I meet another guy I actually like to put this theory to the test.. I have a date this week so stay tuned).

As always I appreciate the hell out of each and every one of you fuckers.

Sending love your way

Xoxo Mild Girl