I Did My Best

Do you ever wonder if you’re truly the best version of yourself?

Don’t worry I’m not going to give you some bullshit on how with the right mentality you can be 110% in every single thing you do in your life. Maybe that’s the right way to view it and I’m just a weak-ass beta, but I just so happen to believe otherwise.

Over the last year or so in my journey of self-betterment I’ve become privy to the concept of ‘inner child work’.

And on my drive home from work today in between missing my exit and humming along to the pop music that has somehow infiltrated it’s way into the namesake genre that is country music; my mind decided to delve deeper into what inner child work truly looks like for me.

When I have these negative feelings about myself, whether it’s doubt, anxiety or any of the other characters from that Inside Out movie, where do they stem from?

I used to look at it in a different way that maybe I felt my emotions were never really acknowledged and I was always told, “Speelman’s never cry”. 

Not saying this didn’t have it’s own impact, but as I sat there in the discomfort leaning into some of those memories, I realized some more

I remember growing up bringing my report card home for the first time and I was so proud to show my parents all my A’s and the single B. Pretty sure the B was in homeroom because there was a homework assignment I had colored incorrectly. Well tough shit Mrs. Walter I wanted my cow to be fucking blue, not some panda looking ass.

If I were to get a report card in my everyday life now I’d have an A++ in shit talking and a C in time management.

When I got off the bus that day and ran home to show my parents (I was a chubby fifth grader, so I’m being very liberal with the usage of the term run), I was met with this response from my father:

“Can you honestly say you tried your best?”

Ever since then I realize that one statement (and the many parallels of it he gave through the years) followed me and shaped a large part of how I live my everyday life.

At the time I felt like I had done the best of my ability.

But I started to psychoanalyze when my parents provided some pushback to my answer.

Because what does it really mean to do your best? To do ever single thing in your power and exert all of your entire energy reserve in effort to accomplish a certain task. I grew up playing sports and aside from one game in my sophomore year of high school I don't think that I will ever truly be convinced that I did "my best".

I could've ran harder.

Played smarter.

Shot better.

And here's why I thought that way:

“So you’re telling me there’s nothing you could’ve done to get that A?”

Looking back at this now as an adult (yet another term I use rather liberally considering my Amazon account is still linked to my moms card) I revert back to my original answer that yes, I did do my best. Because sometimes in life you need to give 85% of yourself to different areas, so that you can live your best life holistically because our lives are all cumulative of the things we partake in. We may wear different hats throughout the course of the week, but at the end of the day they all go in the same closet.

Take me for example:

Party Bike Captain

Wannabe Writer

Dog mom

Manager

Runner

Hiker

If I dedicated every single day to each of those things I'm pretty sure I'd be dead by now. I can barely make it through my hikes without falling on my ass as is.

Right now I work with a man who gives a 110% at work every single day. Shows up an hour early, skips lunch and always stays late. He knows if a single SKU number is out of place before any of the guys that make the SKUs even have time to test and enter them into the system.

And I think he may be one of the saddest people I’ve ever met.

Now this is all completely from my perspective, but this man lives and breathes for his place of work. 

Not to say that you shouldn’t be that way if that’s the life you want to live and that’s what makes you happy. BUT what I can say from my own experience is that I used to live my life in a similar way because I thought that was the way to become happy.

If you knew me at the ripe age of eighteen you got to experience the whirlwind that I was a college freshman. I was the definition of storming out of the gates (ie. my parents house). In a short two semesters I received multiple awards and recognitions as well as being interviewed and accepted into a variety of organizations on campus. I would get A’s in every class, still ask for extra credit and find a way to still make it to our local college bar and stay there til two in the morning.

At the time I felt unstoppable.

...Until I wasn’t.

As the year went on I hit a wall. I was so burned out I never even had time to stop and take a breath. I found myself surrounded yes by accomplishments and titles, but none of the things I truly loves, just the things I thought I was supposed to. 

Growing up my parents would have to take my book away from me at night, they weren’t worried about me scrolling through my Kik messages or Ask.fm (hope that dated me a little), they knew I’d be up all night trying to find out what was going to happen to FireStar and the rest of the warrior clan. 

***Yes, I was that girl that read the books about the cat clans that ruled the local condominium development.. And still to this day it’s some of the best damn literature I ever indulged myself in***

There was a point for a long time where I couldn't even remember the last time I had picked up a book, outside of one for my Chinese class (yes, white girl is semi-cultured believe it or not).

Presently it’s something I’m trying to fall back in love with, but also I am not trying to force it. These days I find myself more enamored with being outside with my dogs, although a bit more challenging in the hundred-plus degree weather we are currently experiencing in the Greater Phoenix Area, but I make due.

I think a good measure of your happiness is not the money you make or the reviews of your coworkers, but rather a review from your younger self of sorts.

What would little Lauren think of me now?

And I can honestly say she’d think I was a boss-ass bitch and maybe even be a little scared of me, which I find endearing.

While I may not be actually as tough as I’d like people to think all the time, I am a whole hell of a lot tougher than the girl who would let people (especially men) walk all over her.

So mom and dad, sorry for the delayed answer, but yes, I did do my best and will continue to try and maintain that answer as I continue to live my life. While I know I go about it all differently than the two of you would for yourselves and even juxtaposed to how you’d prefer me to live my own (yes there will be more hand tattoos) I know this is the right path that I am on.

Right now the best version of myself has two too many dogs, a low bank account, three jobs and a lot of cuts and scrapes from hiking… and I couldn’t be happier.

Now much like cars the best version of yourself may look different every year, maybe even in a shorter time span. You may have thought for the longest time that once you moved away you would be happy to get out of your hometown, only to realize a big part of your identity is in those friends and family you had established back home. Regardless of what ‘your best’ is, it is YOURS. That’s for you to decide, experiment and find out, and just like any experiment you will probably fail a couple times. 

Hell, you think Adam just magically found Eve’s clit on the first try?

You guys know my blog, I can’t write and not mention something sexual at least once, come on.

My biggest thing I’d like you guys to take away, since you’re apparently still here for some reason, is that we as people have this innate urge and desire to both please and impress. Whether it’s our parents, partners, society or even ourselves. It’s almost like we have to prove our worth in away to be allowed to exist. I want you to know that’s not the case. Now I’d prefer you to not be sitting in your parents basement with orange Dorito fingers switching from playing with your Xbox to playing with yourself, but again at the end of the day it’s your life to choose how you live it, so as long as it’s not impeding on others in a negative way, go for it.

Although your parents may have thoughts about that.

As always thanks for letting me take your time, hope you found it worth it.

Xoxo Mild Girl

***I’d also like to note that I had an amazingly, happy childhood and am so loved. This is in no way me shitting on them or how I was raised. I am a firm believer that we all can do inner child-work in our own ways because like us, our parents are human. Contrary to what the Brady Bunch tried to model for us, there is no cookie cutter family that handles things the exact right way. I’m not saying we all necessarily have childhood trauma, but to say that there’s not probably some emotions we all need to work through or at least acknowledge from that time in our lives is a bit close-minded in my personal opinion.

Change is Incremental

Some days I think I can’t even remember the girl I used to be and other days it’s like I can’t escape her.

The cool thing about change is it’s easier than you think. Just do it differently.

That doesn’t mean you’ll get whatever it is right or accomplish what exactly you’re hoping to on the first try. But that’s how we start working towards those goals. In the last few days I took some time to really question if I’ve grown since 2015. 

A dark year for all of us I’m sure.

In the span of those twelve months I both started high school and the world renowned boy band ‘One Direction’ broke up. Both were extremely traumatic and still effect me to this very day.

In my everyday life there are themes of things I struggle with now that I did at that age: confidence, self-worth, body image (you know all the things the magazines tell us we should only have if you’re a size 00 and had long blonde hair).

I remember being a young teen always reading the headlines of the tabloids at the grocery checkout line with my mom, memorizing any and all fad diets so that I may look them up later.

Luckily I detest grapefruits so the highly restrictive grapefruit diet that is advertised to help you lose 10 lbs in a week was a short-lived endeavor at the time.

I’d like to take a second to provide a friendly reminder that we are all fucking humans with normal vices and imperfections.

Now I still have those days where I feel like my jeans are too tight or something doesn’t fit me quite how I had envisioned it, and that’s so okay. That being said, I also have the days where i am completely comfortable putting my most vulnerable self online for anyone to see. My social media isn’t private and part of my mentality is that I have nothing to hide. While my mom isn’t the biggest fan of this (sorry mom) I genuinely don’t care if any kind of employer sees what I’m posting. If they think the kind, witty, sarcastic person filled to the brim with candor that I am is not the best ‘look for their company’ then I don’t want it. I’ve also realized with my life that while I once thought my dream was to climb the corporate ladder I am now more so bidding time and gathering experiences until I am in the phase of life where I can start my own business.

I love the outlook I have on life and would love to be apply to apply that and the passionate work ethic I have into an outlet that puts good out into the world.

ANY WHO.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.. AKA the link you click when you’re bored and the TikTok algorithm just aint cutting it. I refuse to be anyone’s second choice in my personal life, but when it comes to this, I’m just happy you’re here.

How can we tell if we’re really changing for the better?

Similar to our bodies, our minding and neuro pathways can fluctuate.

Every once in a while (more often than we’d like to admit) that little devil on our should rears it’s ugly head and we revert to some old habit or mentality in the blink of an eye.

Again, this is normal.

What you do next or how you handle the temptation to fall back into what feels normal is what’s really important. On a recent podcast I was listening to Sabrina Zohar spoke of uncomfortability and overcoming anxiety and several great points were made.

In order for any kind’ve change to happen, you have to alter something. That’s the literal definition of change so hopefully no controversy there.

We as humans are innately these creatures of habit.

We find something we like, and stick to it, some more than others.

Now there are things in life that deserve a steadfast mentality: relationships, values, morals. All the things lacking from your average college aged male.

What Ms. Zohar said to me (as if we were conversing and I wasn’t listening to her in my car on the way to work) was about the concept of detox. Usually when I hear the term ‘detox’ I think of drugs, alcohol and any other controlled substance. While this may be the context we hear it in the most often, there are so many others its applicable to. You can go through the detox process of anything, even a mentality. For instance when I was younger I used to wake up every day weigh myself and regardless of what that number said I thought it should be smaller. Part of that detox process did include a physical act of putting the scale away, but a much bigger part of it was repeatedly telling myself that I am happy and healthy and that just because the size of my jeans may be bigger than another girls does not make me less than.

Let’s take a more literal example: say tomorrow I decided I wanted to eat healthier. Pretend my diet consisted of a mix of processed and fast foods. If I were to make the change to locally sourced fruit and veg and prioritize protein and putting good quality ingredients in my body I might start to notice some things. 

What you probably think I’m going to say is how much better I would theoretically start feeling. Well, that’s probably true eventually, but in actuality it’s much more likely that for that first week your body actual has trouble processing. You notice you have indigestion and maybe your bowel movements aren’t quite what you’re usually seeing. That’s because your body has to adjust. Same if someone is wanting to start yoga, you’re probably going to be pretty sore that first week or so. These are both examples of detox and uncomfortability. Some people may say they don’t want to be sore and they wanted to start working out to feel better, but that’s not the result they’re seeing.

We live in this culture where the concept of instant gratification is at our finger tips twenty-four seven. Craving ice cream at midnight? Doordash. You’re horny? Tinder. As long as you’re willing to potentially compromise your values a bit, there are instant options.

The point I want to make when it comes to change is that in order to overcome sometimes we have to sit in the uncomfortability and let it play it’s course before we can grow and be somehow who naturally possesses the ability to do XYZ (fill in with whatever it is you’re working towards).

Maybe you’re going sober, trying to eat better, dating with intention, whatever it is that’s important to you that is your goal, doing the thing that makes it possible might not be easy. I haven’t drank in 15 days and today I didn’t even think of alcohol, but last week I remember several instances where I had wished I had an emotional support beer in my hand.

Change can be good, but change can be hard.

If there’s something in your life you’re trying to change and it’s not as easy or straightforward as you thought, that’s okay. I encourage you to push forward and persevere.

As always I appreciate you taking the time to read my nonsense, see you next time.

Xoxo Mild Girl

Greatest Love Story of All

Now that you’ve fallen prey to my strategically worded clickbait, this is not a romantic love story.

This is something much more important to me at this phase of my life: the love I feel for myself.

Oftentimes here I like to write about sex, social media, drinking and all that good stuff, but seeing as I recently committed to the 75 Hard challenge (it’s only day four, don’t worry I’m not that impressive) I guess we will stray to something a bit more.. Vulnerable.

You may notice a pattern of of sarcastic quips and semi-shitty remarks throughout my blog posts (if you’re a true fan that is). Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll still manage to pragmatically slip them in here and there, but I am going to attempt to show a bit more of a vulnerable side to you vivacious readers today.

So buckle up fuckers and enjoy the ride. 😎

***See I already did it

There’s just something to be said about the anonymity you internally feel behind a screen that allows us to feel just the slightest bit more bold.

Just think about the concept of double texting, if you were having a conversation face to face with a person and they literally didn’t respond to you in that moment would you follow up with eight more unsolicited sentences ?

(Well maybe if you’re a creepy guy at the bar)

You may do the equivalent of emphasizing a message by repeating your statement in the case of events you literally weren’t heard, but let’s be real on the actual likelihood of that.

I used to live under this mentality that when it came to the coveted ‘double text’ I didn’t really give a flying fuck. Honestly, despite the past tense indication of the word used, I still don’t really care.

But I have slightly altered my mentality in regards to it. When it comes to friends, family and loved ones I frankly don’t really think that matters at all. 

*I would say a caveat to the friendship component is if there’s someone in your life who is constantly taking and never seems to be supporting you in the ways you need there may be a reevaltion in order. That being said any relationship (whether it be platonic, familial or romantic) is not a balancing scale that will remain at this equally weighted homeostasis. There absolutely are seasons of give and take, but when someone is ONLY wanting the weight to be lifted from their scale.. Well it may be time to reevaluate.

From the time we’re young girls we’re fed these countless examples of a man in shining armor coming to sweep us of our feet and take all worries away so that we can just talk to birds and bake pies for the rest of our lives.

Now while my cat is an excellent conversationalist and my oven is currently preheating for the muffins I have waiting, those are components of life. I don’t really care what someone does with their life, whatever makes you happy honestly, but it’s really hard for me to conceptualize the desire and fulfillment someone could get out of a life of what I essentially view as hobbies.

(I say that but the concept of van life whispers it’s sweet nothings in my ear multiple times a week and that is a similar concept, but we all are different, so again no judgment just hard for me to see joy in that)

What I find demeaning is when someone (usually women) are expected to want/like/do certain things. If you know me you know I have never liked being told what to do, oftentimes even if it’s something for my own good it’s hard for me to want to hear it when the thought itself did not come from yours truly.

The whole way we go about dating and courtship is an enigma to me. I hate this idea that women are expected to sit back while a man is meant to come and conquer her heart.

I think there are times where I will play up the more intrinsically ‘masculine centric’ qualities I posses to those around me because I want so badly to be viewed in a respected manner.

Along with English and some haphazard Spanish, another language I’m fluent in is sarcasm. 

Part of it is because I feel it allows me to feel more confident and in control in a situation, and partly because I find the act of verbally abusing men to be endearing.

But that’s not for everyone, which is so very okay. The last couple partners I had were very sweet men, but didn’t always love my sarcasm. Now in a real relationship I can definitely agree that there’s a time and place for jokes. Sometimes a partner may need those words of affirmation, but when one (or both) of you know that’s a big way in how the other communicates I also feel that there should be somewhat of an understanding to not take all they say at face value.

For instance, about a year ago I was seeing a guy and there were several instances where I made jokes in which the punchline was insinuating he had a phallus that was less than average in length. Now there are a couple things to be noted here:

1. I very much so was not serious

2. It was never right before, during or after any kind’ve physical intimacy 

3. I actually prefer smaller sizes because I’ve got a gag reflex like a mother fucker

There came a point where he nicely asked me to not make those kind’ve remarks. On one hand, speak your truth king, but on the other hand don’t be a little bitch. 

See this is also where I say something but wonder if i’m a bit of a hypocrite, because I definitely would not want someone I’m sleeping with to insult my genitals in any way shape or form, but also I feel like that’s not really a thing as much when it comes to the female anatomy.

We get berated enough for everything else in life so they leave our pussy alone (verbally that is).

Despite this nonsensical tangent I’ve taken you on, my point is that part of self-love (in my opinion) and creating a romantic love that there will be give and take. This concept that it's all on the man kind've promotoes the idea that women just wait around to be chosen, does it not?

Not saying that there can’t be any sort of compromise, but when one party has a completely different outtake on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness than you then what’s really keeping you together? Probably the sex and the intrinsic fear that you won’t find someone else and will end up alone.

I know too many people who have been together for so long and at such a young age that I fear they never really got the chance to be comfortable with being alone. Now I am a relationship person, but that doesn’t mean I want to constantly bounce around from one to another. 

To this day, on my 24 years on this earth, I have been single for about 23 of them. I have become VERY comfortable with being alone, and in that it has allowed me to become comfortable in myself. 

While I do want love and to have that kind’ve bond and partnership with a person romantically, had I had a highschool, or even college sweetheart I don’t think I would be anywhere close to being the woman I am today.

I could probably tell you the exact moment I first ever experienced the feeling of self-consciousness. Choir class in elementary school, I heard a couple girls remark about another girls ‘muffin top’. Prior to that moment I had never even heard the term and didn’t fully understand it til when I got home and entered it into the search bar engine. I was appalled to find out it was her body they were referring to.

I didn’t even know commenting on someone else’s body was a thing.

From that day on I began looking at my own body differently, wondering if I too had muffin top. Body image is hard for men and women alike, there are standards set forth by mass media indicating the ‘ideal beach body’. I truly believe that every body is a beach body, although I will say I think there’s a point to be made about actual physical health and overall well-being. There’s a difference if you can’t see you V line or you can’t see your belly button.

In just my family there have been multiple family members who struggle with obesity and this has affected my life and how I see myself in more ways than one. From the types of foods that I grew up thinking were normalized (pick something out at the gas station on the way to school for breakfast) to my unhealthy obsession with the number on scale. In my junior year of high school I personally struggled with an eating disorder. I remember the feeling of pride I had in myself when I went an entire day without eating. I also developed an unhealthy and addictive relationship with exercise. Everyday after two hours of volleyball practice and lifting I’d either go run on the track or my neighborhood and tell myself toxic thoughts to keep going such as: “if you stop you don’t love God or you hate your family”.

In the span of about 3 months I lost 30 pounds, and I was an active athlete so I didn’t really have thirty pounds to lose.

Every now and then those toxic traits creep their ugly heads back into my life for a split second.

I remember one of the things I genuinely thought when I was diagnosed was: “at least chemo will make me skinny”. Now I’d like to hope that was more of a coping mechanism of a thought than genuine desire.

But what I can say at this exact moment in time, is that for the first time in my life I am living my life in a way that listens to my body and what it needs rather than pushing it to the brink in order to achieve a certain outcome in terms of the number on the scale.

While I still own one, I couldn’t tell you the last time I stepped on it, but I’m proud to say it hasn’t been since I moved into my new home.

I know this article is meant to be about self love, and I keep mentioning romantic love, but for me and my journey that’s one of the areas where my growth in self love has become increasingly evident.

For too many years I allowed men to walk all over me and I was so grateful to just feel wanted and chosen that I would take whatever I could get. So many people (both men and women) fall into this mentality that if you’re alone, you’re less than. But what I can tell you from the life I’ve lived are some of my happiest moments where I felt the most alive, as well as some of my proudest accomplishments have been when I was alone. That absolutely does not take away from any accomplished feat as a team, but for me it’s been transformational. 

A true power partnership has the ability to amplify, but you cannot amplify if there is not love within yourself to give to another.

Anything x 0 = Zero

*Want to take note i came up with that just now and think I sound wise as hell

I’m not sure I believe in unconditional romantic love, I think every person has breaking points, but I sure as hell believe in unconditional self love. But with self love, comes self accountability.

There are things we as people will have to work through, although a partner should be there in the most trying of times to support you, if you go through something that fundamentally changes who you are as a person, that may not be the person they committed to. It is also important they are self-serving to what is best for them. Now I’m not saying breakup with your girlfriend because she went vegan and you love to hunt. I think we live in a society that has evolved enough to accept differences and embrace the beauty that is how different we all are from one another.

That being said, if a partner betrays your trust or is consistently acting out of character than the person you THOUGHT they were, then that might not be the best situation for you.

There will be people in your life that come and go, but at the end of the day we are the only person on earth that was with us the moment we entered this world, and will be the only one there with us through that journey to the moment we leave this world.

So I think it is so effervescently important that you are giving back to that person you see in the mirror. 

Well I need to go to work now so thanks for putting up with my nonsense thus far and hope you continue to do so in the near future.. in all seriousness I love and appreciate you all.

Xoxo Mild Girl