Social Media isn't Toxic, we are.

We as a society love to place blame on anyone but ourselves.

Just look at what happened this week on the bachelorette…

.. if you haven’t seen it yet honestly just keep reading because you either weren’t going to watch it anyway or TikTok has spoiled it for you.

First and foremost I’d like to preface that I in no way think Bachelor nation is truly a good way for someone to find love, honestly I just find it to be addictive (somewhat trashy, depending on the season) reality TV. Not to say it’s not possible, people have found love in worse settings, I know too many people who have met on the sticky dance floor of a frat basement and are still together.

When it comes to social media none of us are perfect. I personally believe there’s an epidemic of fake serotonin plaguing our feeds. I’ve seen people post pictures from a vacation where they stayed inside and cried for the majority of the time and their caption is, “never want to leave insert sparkle emoji”. Like I get you want to share a beautiful place, but also (and maybe this is me thinking too deeply into it) your social media in a way is an extension of yourself. Not saying people should judge you fully based off of it, but there are certain reasonable assumptions you can make. If someone just posted they saw Kenny Chesney, they probably like country OR on a different spectrum if you saw someone just went skydiving you can chalk up pretty quick that they might just be a tad ‘adventurous’.

***or they’re just rich**

My point is social media is not (in my opinion) to be something that should be taken so seriously. In my mind I view my own social media as a scrapbook of my life, I used to post a lot of selfie type pictures on my feed, and now I stick more to my adventures and accomplishments because that’s what I’m going to want to look back at. Now don’t get me wrong I love to throw a picture of myself on my story and throw some indie folk song on in the background because I like the vibe and think it looks nice, so I’m not trying to act like I in no way fall into my own vanity. Honestly in some ways I feel like certain people need to more because they don’t love themselves enough.

What I view differently is when we’re posting a photo in order to ‘get likes’ or any form of validation from outside sources. When I post a picture of myself it is a form of INTERNAL validation.

So basically I’m like, “Lauren, you’re hot, the people deserve to see this”. Maybe that makes me conceited, but I am proud to have that mindset because for YEARS of my younger life I would cry about what I looked like and perceived myself as less than, and I will never go back to that.

Now it’s totally normal to have days where you’re off, maybe you feel extra bloated or there’s a particularly noticeable pimple right between your eyebrows, and that’s OKAY. We’re human. I myself have been getting over a nasty breakout of poison ivy that somehow managed to plant itself from my chin to my upper lip. 

My mom said, “at least it’s not on your ass” well Soph, I would much rather have had it on my ass for your information.

So we all have our shit.

I’ll take a moment to acknowledge another one of my own vices. I have noticed that I can be a bit of a bully towards men I don’t know, as well as men I know but at this point they’ve learned to live with it.

A man recently told me that he could tell I was actually very sweet under my tough exterior, I told him to fuck off… and then wound up in his condo forty minutes later #whoops

The thing is, he wasn’t all that wrong.

I don’t think it’s wrong or any less of someone to accept help from someone of the opposite sex. But that has always been hard for me because I want to come across as a strong, independent woman. Which I absolutely am. But a rattlesnake also doesn’t need to strike for us to know it’s poisonous.

So in that way I can have semi-toxic behaviors (which I acknowledge and am actively working through) towards men I don’t know. I think over time I have experienced both first and second hand how less than certain men view women. Hell, if we had an extra appendage I’ve heard enough to hear it third hand. Now I know it’s not healthy to bring past experiences fully into new ones when judging someone you don’t know. Just think about someone entering into a new relationship that has been cheated on in the past - they may come into it feeling a lot of distrust towards their new partner, despite their partner not doing anything to deserve any level of doubt in the partnership.

We love to say how social media is ruining kids and how we as people view ourselves and others, but the truth is websites like pornhub and tabloids were doing that long before Instagram (and yes social media is a catalyst of the evolution of the internet and technology, but that’s not the point).

When instagram first was introduced to us it was filled with heavily filtered vignette photos of what we ate for lunch with a #foodie and some kind’ve emoticon to complete the post. Other than that it was really just the occasional duckface and peace sign that made their debut in our feed.

That being said it is not what you’re posting that truly matters, it’s the why. If you’re posting half naked photos because OnlyFans is your main source of income, you go girl (or boy), get your bag. Where I find the issue is when you’re posting those photos in hopes someone in particular is going to comment or their name will pop up on your phone.

A parallel can be made to many things in life. A bow and arrow sitting on a counter do no harm, but the second you pick it up and point it towards someone it becomes a weapon of destruction.

It is all about how we use the tools we have in front of us, and I think social media is no different.

For me I used to use social media in a toxic way (towards myself). I shrunk my waist, smoothed my acne and filtered that sh!t like my life depended on it. I remember there was an era where you always had to ask a person if it was okay to post a photo that had them in it, and not because the contents were provocative, but rather to make sure they liked what they looked like. Now I think it’s different if a person doesn’t want a picture posted because they’re sneezing or if they think their thighs look ‘fat’ (which I’d also like to point out is technically ‘in’ right now).

Want to state again that everything in here is my OPINION. God knows I can be wrong, sometimes more often than I’d like to admit.

A habit that has been healthy for me is when someone takes a photo of either just me or me and friends, if they ask me to look at it and see if I want more I simply respond, “No I’m sure it’s good and it’s what I look like”. 

Because it is!!!

Don’t get me wrong there are very unflattering angles out there for everyone (well probably not Sydney Sweeney). But there is no need to be disheartened when you don’t look exactly what you thought you were going to look like in a photo. 

I have seen probably hundreds of ‘golden hour’ photos on my feed throughout the years, but you bet your sweet a$$ that there has never once been a time where a photo was taken of me in the ___ of the suns rays where I didn’t look like I needed to shit myself.

I used to chalk that up to me being ugly, and that only pretty girls could do golden hour.

Then I woke the f*ck up.

I don’t know how many times I’ve gone and taken pictures with female friends/family/etc. and heard comments about how big their arms looked or fill in the blank of any self deprecating thought you can think about yourself and it’s there.

Scrolling through social media seeing these bodies and wondering why yours doesn’t look like that? You want a better perception of an actual ‘bikini body’ go to the goddamn beach. Of course when you are following swim suit models they are going to look a certain way.

THAT IS WHAT THEY DO FOR A LIVING - THEY GET PAID TO LOOK GOOD IN A BIKINI.

And that’s not to say their body is wrong, but any body that fits that mold also isn’t wrong. All bodies are bikini bodies. In my book my biggest concern is just that as long as you are a healthy person you have nothing to worry about. You want to tone your thighs more? Great! Do that if it’s what YOU want, but don’t do it because People Magazine thinks that’s what you need to do before you can walk onto the beach.

About two years ago I personally went through the people I follow on social media and deleted anyone I would compare myself to in an unhealthy way. To be honest this included some people I knew (not close friends).

I started filling my feed with content that is more aligned with what I value in my own life and the algorithm rewarded me for it. So now instead of countless photos of size 0 females (which I will never be and that doesn’t bother me one bit) I am shown hiking content, recipes and Joe Burrow apparently (I hate football so AI probably hears my best friend Emily talking about him).

Also I took sometime to see what my Instagram FYP looks like and the fact that Glen Powell was included >>

Honestly surprised there aren’t more dogs, but you win some you lose some. 

I do think there have recently been more strides to make social media more real in ways with the whole concept of ‘photo dumps’ where it seems to be less concentrated on photos of the person themselves and more the things they did - which to me feels more authentic.

Like you were in aruba?? Show me a monkey not your tits in front of a palm tree. 

(no judgement if you want to flex on us like that, I just like it coming from a genuine place)

***won’t pretend like I haven’t also participated in this trend

***Also I don’t actually know if there are monkeys in Aruba, or where Aruba is, it just felt right

I don’t know if this helped anyone but I just hope we all can take a moment to acknowledge that social media really is not that deep, have fun with it.

Love you all and appreciate your time.

Xoxo Mild Girl

(S)exactly What I Want

I don’t think men realize how often women don’t finish during sex.

It’s around half if you’re wondering, whereas in my own experience men finish 95% of the time (and that 5% is allotted for those who give up do to whiskey dick).

Something I’ve realized as I get older is that sex is quite literally geared towards men, even in movies. Sex is considered completed once the man finishes, and mainstream media loves to make it seem like women somehow magically reach climax at that exact moment. Can you imagine if sex wasn’t finished until a woman came? Half ya’ll would still be looking for the clit right now.

I personally am not someone who gets off from penetration (along with 90% of the female population), so when you’re jack hammering away or thrusting your partner up and down like a bike pump desperate for air, just know most of us are quite literally along for the ride.

That’s not to say I don’t get any enjoyment from a man inside me, just last night I had the absolute pleasure. 

(What can I say, kicking a grown man's ass in pool on a Sunday night gets me going)

But when I’m on my back and the words, “you feel so good” come out of my mouth it’s purely for your sake. That is of course unless you are also rubbing the clit or maybe a little thumb in the bum action going on, then I might genuinely mean it. Emphasis on the might.

The last couple guys I slept with we fucked like 3-5 times from when we entered the bedroom to the aftermath when I put on yesterday’s clothes with my panties crumpled up in my pocket and straightened out my wig. That being said I would consider myself a decently sexual person and know how to communicate what I want from a man. So the point I’m trying to make here is I am not some shy, timid gal that is scared to tell their partner I want them to pretend I’m a tootsie pop and see how many looks it takes to find the center.

Still conducting research on this, so feel free to inquire if you’d like to be a part of the study.

NOTE: Background checks required as well as a valid driver's license.

So I’m here to give you some helpful tricks for your below average tips 

***See what I did there ;)

To me one of the most important things a partner can do prior to any form of penetration is making sure the other party is turned on. Which, common to popular belief, is a lot more than them saying ‘wow I’m so turned on’. Yes there are obviously ways to verbally indicate, but looking at this from a logistical point of view there are physical factors that will communicate to you how your partner's body is reacting.

From the easiest sign in the book (how wet they are) to a more observant characteristic of eye dilation and heart rate. Now I’m not saying you necessarily need to be playing inspector gadget on a woman’s body, personally I think it’s a whole hell of a lot easier to just communicate to your partner what you like. I also think if you’re in a relationship it does give a couple an opportunity to have a more open and honest conversation, maybe even try something new in a safe space to see if you like it. But healthy communication doesn’t need to be exclusively for those in relationships. If I’m going out of my way to sleep with someone that I might not sleep with again, you don’t have a lot of opportunity for improvement.

Ladies, I do think this is where it can be difficult for us. I myself would like to be considered as a pretty upfront person, but for years I would never tell partners what I wanted, I would just sit there and whatever happened happened.

Now I’m at a point in my life where I know what positions I like and what feels good to me, and also things I’m not comfortable with. For instance, I’m very upfront that I do not like to give head. I’ll do it if I’m feeling a little spicy, but I’ve never looked at a cock and thought to myself, “Man i would love for that to uppercut my uvula and make me gag”. I think there’s this misconception also that women love big dicks, I (speaking for myself) prefer a slightly below average shaft. Honestly the smaller your dick is, the higher the likelihood I’ll put it in my mouth, but I also have a gag reflex like a motherfucker.

I’ve had varying reactions from men when I tell them that and I’m very honest. From a guy trying to push my head down to “are you comfortable with me giving you head?”. Now while the former is so much more common than I would like to admit, the later is probably about the sexiest response a man could ever give me.

We love givers.

While it can be hard to communicate your needs their are ways to insinuate if you feel uncomfortable being as blunt as, “I want to eat me out”.

Here’s some of my personal favorites:

“I’m so wet for you, do you want to taste it?”

“I want you to lick it”

Okay, maybe these are pretty straight forward but I can say from personal experience never have I ever had a man who didn’t love hearing those words come out of my mouth.

For you fuckers that are trying to have sex with someone who has a clit (man or woman, I don’t discriminate), if you don’t know where it is… well, you should probably figure it out. Maybe you don’t want to come across as inexperienced, there are ways to get around this.

“Show me where you want me to touch you”

Genius right? It’s like when you’re starting a new job and you don’t want to fill out a report so you ask your coworker to show you how it’s done. I personally would do this to the teacher in any math class I had. Which is probably why I couldn’t tell you what the quadratic equation is if my life depended on it.

***apparently GIF knows it though, so that made me feel really good about myself

In a partnership I don’t think either person should compromise on things that make them uncomfortable, but I will say I think it is very bonding to put your trust in someone that you care about if it’s something that is important to them. Now I hope to god you’re not reading that as, “if your boyfriend really really wants you to suck his dick but you hate it, you should do it anyway!”. Absolutely not. This is not something that is black and white, to me it’s 50 Shades of Grey.

Side note: Watching that movie together may be a great opportunity to organically bring up any sexual topics that may be on your mind.

I think what it boils down to is why a person may be apprehensive towards something. Maybe they had a bad experience in the past and it’s triggering or maybe they are just scared. So assurance coming from a place of love, respect and absolutely no judgment is key.

I am a firm believer that there are a lot of women out there who deserve an Oscar for the acting performances they have put on (for reference the cinematic category would be short film). So you can’t always rely solely on that. Even something as intricate as a back arch may not be caused by the euphoria you think they’re feeling in that given moment.

I recently slept with this guy who after a couple rounds made the statement: “I just can’t cum with a condom on, it’s okay though”.

My mental reaction: ‘IT’S OKAY THOUGH’ - fucker you better goddamn well know it’s okay.

You best bet I made it very clear that I was in no way empathetic that this ‘poor man’ felt he couldn’t go to completion due to the thin barrier of rubber on his dick. Welcome to most women’s average sexual experience buddy! You got to see me naked, that in itself is a gift enough.

Now I think it’s important to say that I personally think if both parties want to have sex without protection that is their right to make that decision, I’ve done it before in college. But I’ve also dated someone for almost a year and we never once had sex without protection because that’s what we felt was best for us. I just know too many people that do it solely because that’s what their partner wants and don’t communicate their own apprehension.

But while I say I truly think there is this huge misconception on how we view sex and the weight we allow it to hold on us, there is a level of responsibility that comes with it when pregnancy is a potential outcome. This by no means is a political platform, but I would especially be aware for any woman who may not want a child at this point in their life with all that is going on right now and how certain things are not accessible in healthcare.

I know there’s this narrative out there that sex is this intimate thing and the most bonding thing humans can do to become one. Now I’m not saying sex can’t be beautiful and that there haven’t been times where it has made me closer to my partner. But there have also been plenty of times where that was not the case. Specifically the time in college comes to mind when I hooked up with a viking of a man and he began to weep into my bare breasts (heard you moved to Chiacago with your new girlfriend, wish you the best and hope you no longer cry during sex!). I want to be clear these tears were fully unprompted and the condom was in fact still on. What did I do? I just stared into the Green Day poster on his wall as I consoled him, wishing I had just opted to stay home with my vibrator.

We are human and sex is a way to yes, express emotion, but also desire. Not all sexual encounters are like the tendril, pony tail scene is Avatar (the one with the blue people, not air bender) where the two become one and bond for life. 

If that were the case I’d be tethered to a man in Kappa Alpha that I’m pretty sure still resides somewhere in the corner of the frat basement.

(Yes, obviously my standards over the years have come and gone like the tides of change)

The point I’m trying to make is sex does not need to be this big deal. It absolutely can if that’s something you personally view as intimate, speaking for myself: I do not. Which wasn’t always my mindset. When I first began to explore my sexuality I thought if I had intercourse with someone it meant they wanted to date me.

Man did I learn that was was not the case quick.

Now I base a person's feelings for me on the way they treat me when an orgasm isn’t the incentive. Yes I know, moving up in the world.

Honestly there are probably people who will read this and judge me or think I am some variation of a modern day harlot (which to me sounds a lot classier than skank, slut or whore). To those people I say this, “Thanks for reading my blog! Hope your sex life isn’t boring and you read this far for a reason”

If you’re going to judge me or anyone on something like that I think that says a lot more about you than it does me. I am a woman very comfortable in my sexuality, and while a healthy, monogamous relationship filled with love and respect is my personal goal, that doesn’t mean I need to remain abstinent til some white knight comes with his sword in hand and the coveted key to my chastity belt.

At the end of day we are all sexual beings in some way shape or form, I say you should enjoy it when it comes your way, whatever that looks like for you. Unless feet are involved, then yes I do slightly judge you, but you do you.

I think this is the perfect instance where the saying ‘it takes two to tango’ comes into play. Any person can have sex with themself, but the actual act of sex is between two (or more if you’re spicy). The whole point of having sex with another person is that you both want to feel good and have a craving for human interaction and touch, otherwise I would be in a very committed relationship with my vibrator. 

Well, a polyamorous one because there’s two I switch between. Let me know if you want the link.

While my toys have given me more orgasms than any human man, neither of them have ever kissed my forehead or made me breakfast the next morning. So alas I remain on the dating scene.

If you made it this far you either really enjoyed it or have been taking a really long shit, either way glad to be part of your journey. As for takeaways from this article, here’s some cliff notes:

-Sex is about two people

-Be safe

-Communicate what you like (or don’t)

-The clit is the answer to all your problems, if you don’t know where it is ask her.

To my mom that is probably reading this - I love you and appreciate your continued support - hope this made you laugh.

To the rest of you fuckers, thanks also I guess.

Xoxo (Slutty) Mild Girl

not so tough

As much as I like to play big, bad femininion warrior queen; I am not as tough as I let on.

Let me rephrase that: I’m actually tougher.

I’m so ‘tough’ that sometimes I cry when no one is watching.

I’m so ‘tough’ that I lay awake at night wondering if I’m doing anything right.

I’m so ‘tough’ that the answer, “great” is always my response to how I’m doing so much that it’s an ingrained muscle memory

And I’m so ‘tough’ that I’m sitting here tapping away at my laptop wondering if a boy I barely know is going to text me.

I want so badly to have the ‘he doesn’t know what he’s missing’ narrative, but that’s not what the issue is here. The issue is that I allow this to have such a hold on me. For so long in my life I attested my self worth to whether or not a boy liked me.

I genuinely thought I had moved past this point. But like any unhealthy habit, without active upkeep to fend it off, it will unknowingly creep it’s way back into your life.

In high school this was my mentality: I didn’t have a boyfriend; therefore I was ugly and worthless.

This was at a point in my life where I was a multi-sport varsity athlete, on student council, valedictorian and in every club under the sun. The boys in my town couldn’t have even handled the success oozing from my fingertips.

I saw that facetiously because this (to your surprise) is not an entry about man-hating. It’s about self-support. Regardless of significant other or not, man or woman or whatever you identify as, we need to be self-sufficient. Regardless if you married your childhood best friend and you both live to your late 90’s there will be moments when you’re alone. Yes it’s beautiful to have someone (especially a partner) to lean on.

Trust me, I know.

When I first got sick my boyfriend at the time helped me in so many more ways than I could have thought. Outside of hospital trips he made me feel very loved and cared for in every little moment.

But.

I knew he was not my person. So as badly as I wanted someone to be by my side during chemo (outside my friends and family of course) I knew in my heart of hearts it was not right to go through something so life impacting with someone I knew I wasn’t going to marry.

During chemo any kind’ve romantic interaction was the last thing on my mind. It wasn’t until I moved out here to Phoenix that I even thought about redownloading my dating apps and putting myself back out there.

For months I would listen to podcasts on healthy relationships and make sure I was implementing these practices rather than just jumping into bed with the first cute guy that showed me any kind’ve attention.

Despite fighting tooth and nail to push past those negative thoughts that dictated my mind for so many years, they still manage to sink back in from time to time.

It seems self degradation is deeper infested in my bones than my stage iv cancer ever was.

He may text me, he may not.

Again, that is not what matters here.

I am worthy.

You are worthy.

I know it’s not as easy as reading that on a screen that will poof vanquish your inner demons, but maybe in some small way it will make you feel seen or heard? I am no mental health professional, in all honesty I never even started acknowledging my own mental health struggles until the last few years.

I am happy, but not all the time. No one is, so don’t pretend to be.

I beat cancer and sometimes my biggest worry is will a guy still be interested in me if I’m bald, when I wish I was worried about why I’ve felt so uninspired in my writing lately.

For now I am channeling my emotions into this (my writing).

Maybe this is a step in the right direction, but I’m still trying to figure it all out, and that’s okay.

***I will continue this at a later time but I am about to do a social experiment to tell if it will help.

This section you are reading now was written after the preceding material.

While in the woes of my feelings I decided to do something to get myself out of the funk. For me it was turning my phone on DND and going to my local dive bar to beat a bunch of middle-aged men in pool while sipping my ginger ale.

… and I’ll tell ya… it worked like a charm.

(actual footage of me from last night)

Now fret not, if you are not a coveted pool shark such as I, you still have options. Honestly you don’t even need to leave the house, for me a change of scenery and outside distractions seemed most fitting. But it can be as simple as playing fetch with your dog, putting on your favorite movie or curling up with a good book. Now disassociation is not always the best way to deal with you emotions, but I find when my mind is spinning in an unhealthy hamster wheel of thoughts I need those thoughts to migrate elsewhere. Therefore I introduce outside stimuli.

***not that middle-aged men are the most stimulating creature out there, but it worked for the time being.

Sometimes redirection allows your mind to move somewhere else and think about something that brings you joy rather than something that is causing you anxiety.

A little bit of a heavier post today, but I feel good about it. So thank you all for taking the time to read the outlet I use because I’m too poor for a real therapist and too much of a big mouth for a private journal. I truly can’t imagine what it’s like to keep one's thoughts and emotions to themselves. Never in my life do I think I’ll have a deep dark secret of my own, but somehow I am so utterly okay with that.

Love you all (yes even you)

Xoxo Mild Girl