Now that you’ve fallen prey to my strategically worded clickbait, this is not a romantic love story.
This is something much more important to me at this phase of my life: the love I feel for myself.
Oftentimes here I like to write about sex, social media, drinking and all that good stuff, but seeing as I recently committed to the 75 Hard challenge (it’s only day four, don’t worry I’m not that impressive) I guess we will stray to something a bit more.. Vulnerable.
You may notice a pattern of of sarcastic quips and semi-shitty remarks throughout my blog posts (if you’re a true fan that is). Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll still manage to pragmatically slip them in here and there, but I am going to attempt to show a bit more of a vulnerable side to you vivacious readers today.
So buckle up fuckers and enjoy the ride. 😎
***See I already did it
There’s just something to be said about the anonymity you internally feel behind a screen that allows us to feel just the slightest bit more bold.
Just think about the concept of double texting, if you were having a conversation face to face with a person and they literally didn’t respond to you in that moment would you follow up with eight more unsolicited sentences ?
(Well maybe if you’re a creepy guy at the bar)
You may do the equivalent of emphasizing a message by repeating your statement in the case of events you literally weren’t heard, but let’s be real on the actual likelihood of that.
I used to live under this mentality that when it came to the coveted ‘double text’ I didn’t really give a flying fuck. Honestly, despite the past tense indication of the word used, I still don’t really care.
But I have slightly altered my mentality in regards to it. When it comes to friends, family and loved ones I frankly don’t really think that matters at all.
*I would say a caveat to the friendship component is if there’s someone in your life who is constantly taking and never seems to be supporting you in the ways you need there may be a reevaltion in order. That being said any relationship (whether it be platonic, familial or romantic) is not a balancing scale that will remain at this equally weighted homeostasis. There absolutely are seasons of give and take, but when someone is ONLY wanting the weight to be lifted from their scale.. Well it may be time to reevaluate.
From the time we’re young girls we’re fed these countless examples of a man in shining armor coming to sweep us of our feet and take all worries away so that we can just talk to birds and bake pies for the rest of our lives.
Now while my cat is an excellent conversationalist and my oven is currently preheating for the muffins I have waiting, those are components of life. I don’t really care what someone does with their life, whatever makes you happy honestly, but it’s really hard for me to conceptualize the desire and fulfillment someone could get out of a life of what I essentially view as hobbies.
(I say that but the concept of van life whispers it’s sweet nothings in my ear multiple times a week and that is a similar concept, but we all are different, so again no judgment just hard for me to see joy in that)
What I find demeaning is when someone (usually women) are expected to want/like/do certain things. If you know me you know I have never liked being told what to do, oftentimes even if it’s something for my own good it’s hard for me to want to hear it when the thought itself did not come from yours truly.
The whole way we go about dating and courtship is an enigma to me. I hate this idea that women are expected to sit back while a man is meant to come and conquer her heart.
I think there are times where I will play up the more intrinsically ‘masculine centric’ qualities I posses to those around me because I want so badly to be viewed in a respected manner.
Along with English and some haphazard Spanish, another language I’m fluent in is sarcasm.
Part of it is because I feel it allows me to feel more confident and in control in a situation, and partly because I find the act of verbally abusing men to be endearing.
But that’s not for everyone, which is so very okay. The last couple partners I had were very sweet men, but didn’t always love my sarcasm. Now in a real relationship I can definitely agree that there’s a time and place for jokes. Sometimes a partner may need those words of affirmation, but when one (or both) of you know that’s a big way in how the other communicates I also feel that there should be somewhat of an understanding to not take all they say at face value.
For instance, about a year ago I was seeing a guy and there were several instances where I made jokes in which the punchline was insinuating he had a phallus that was less than average in length. Now there are a couple things to be noted here:
I very much so was not serious
It was never right before, during or after any kind’ve physical intimacy
I actually prefer smaller sizes because I’ve got a gag reflex like a mother fucker
There came a point where he nicely asked me to not make those kind’ve remarks. On one hand, speak your truth king, but on the other hand don’t be a little bitch.
See this is also where I say something but wonder if i’m a bit of a hypocrite, because I definitely would not want someone I’m sleeping with to insult my genitals in any way shape or form, but also I feel like that’s not really a thing as much when it comes to the female anatomy.
We get berated enough for everything else in life so they leave our pussy alone (verbally that is).
Despite this nonsensical tangent I’ve taken you on, my point is that part of self-love (in my opinion) and creating a romantic love that there will be give and take. This concept that it's all on the man kind've promotoes the idea that women just wait around to be chosen, does it not?
Not saying that there can’t be any sort of compromise, but when one party has a completely different outtake on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness than you then what’s really keeping you together? Probably the sex and the intrinsic fear that you won’t find someone else and will end up alone.
I know too many people who have been together for so long and at such a young age that I fear they never really got the chance to be comfortable with being alone. Now I am a relationship person, but that doesn’t mean I want to constantly bounce around from one to another.
To this day, on my 24 years on this earth, I have been single for about 23 of them. I have become VERY comfortable with being alone, and in that it has allowed me to become comfortable in myself.
While I do want love and to have that kind’ve bond and partnership with a person romantically, had I had a highschool, or even college sweetheart I don’t think I would be anywhere close to being the woman I am today.
I could probably tell you the exact moment I first ever experienced the feeling of self-consciousness. Choir class in elementary school, I heard a couple girls remark about another girls ‘muffin top’. Prior to that moment I had never even heard the term and didn’t fully understand it til when I got home and entered it into the search bar engine. I was appalled to find out it was her body they were referring to.
I didn’t even know commenting on someone else’s body was a thing.
From that day on I began looking at my own body differently, wondering if I too had muffin top. Body image is hard for men and women alike, there are standards set forth by mass media indicating the ‘ideal beach body’. I truly believe that every body is a beach body, although I will say I think there’s a point to be made about actual physical health and overall well-being. There’s a difference if you can’t see you V line or you can’t see your belly button.
In just my family there have been multiple family members who struggle with obesity and this has affected my life and how I see myself in more ways than one. From the types of foods that I grew up thinking were normalized (pick something out at the gas station on the way to school for breakfast) to my unhealthy obsession with the number on scale. In my junior year of high school I personally struggled with an eating disorder. I remember the feeling of pride I had in myself when I went an entire day without eating. I also developed an unhealthy and addictive relationship with exercise. Everyday after two hours of volleyball practice and lifting I’d either go run on the track or my neighborhood and tell myself toxic thoughts to keep going such as: “if you stop you don’t love God or you hate your family”.
In the span of about 3 months I lost 30 pounds, and I was an active athlete so I didn’t really have thirty pounds to lose.
Every now and then those toxic traits creep their ugly heads back into my life for a split second.
I remember one of the things I genuinely thought when I was diagnosed was: “at least chemo will make me skinny”. Now I’d like to hope that was more of a coping mechanism of a thought than genuine desire.
But what I can say at this exact moment in time, is that for the first time in my life I am living my life in a way that listens to my body and what it needs rather than pushing it to the brink in order to achieve a certain outcome in terms of the number on the scale.
While I still own one, I couldn’t tell you the last time I stepped on it, but I’m proud to say it hasn’t been since I moved into my new home.
I know this article is meant to be about self love, and I keep mentioning romantic love, but for me and my journey that’s one of the areas where my growth in self love has become increasingly evident.
For too many years I allowed men to walk all over me and I was so grateful to just feel wanted and chosen that I would take whatever I could get. So many people (both men and women) fall into this mentality that if you’re alone, you’re less than. But what I can tell you from the life I’ve lived are some of my happiest moments where I felt the most alive, as well as some of my proudest accomplishments have been when I was alone. That absolutely does not take away from any accomplished feat as a team, but for me it’s been transformational.
A true power partnership has the ability to amplify, but you cannot amplify if there is not love within yourself to give to another.
Anything x 0 = Zero
*Want to take note i came up with that just now and think I sound wise as hell
I’m not sure I believe in unconditional romantic love, I think every person has breaking points, but I sure as hell believe in unconditional self love. But with self love, comes self accountability.
There are things we as people will have to work through, although a partner should be there in the most trying of times to support you, if you go through something that fundamentally changes who you are as a person, that may not be the person they committed to. It is also important they are self-serving to what is best for them. Now I’m not saying breakup with your girlfriend because she went vegan and you love to hunt. I think we live in a society that has evolved enough to accept differences and embrace the beauty that is how different we all are from one another.
That being said, if a partner betrays your trust or is consistently acting out of character than the person you THOUGHT they were, then that might not be the best situation for you.
There will be people in your life that come and go, but at the end of the day we are the only person on earth that was with us the moment we entered this world, and will be the only one there with us through that journey to the moment we leave this world.
So I think it is so effervescently important that you are giving back to that person you see in the mirror.
Well I need to go to work now so thanks for putting up with my nonsense thus far and hope you continue to do so in the near future.. in all seriousness I love and appreciate you all.
Xoxo Mild Girl
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