In an age of social media we are surrounded by surrealism of filters, photoshop and fake smiles (the kind that resemble advertisements for veneers and people who are dead in the eyes).
Some choose to signify their protest of this instant gratification lifestyle by abandoning all forms of social media.
To me, this is like choosing not to vote because you can’t stand the current state of our country. While that is completely your right, I find it a little silly (Sorry, not sorry Jared). By participating that is what invites us to the table to break our theoretical daily bread.
Although it was just a witty play on my last name I came up with in the seventh grade, my username @therealspeel has come to mean so much more to me than that. While I definitely do not shy away from the active selfie posting on my instagram story, I truly believe that I try to live my life (both in reality and in the social media spectrum) in a way that exhibits authenticity.
I mean just look where we are. How many people are going to link hours worth of writing to their sex life, past (some failed) relationships as well as some of their most intimate (albeit, embarrassing at times) moments for you to skim at your leisure?
I’m currently sitting here in a coffee shop wearing a work appropriate outfit and last night's makeup. At the glance someone may see me here on my laptop thinking I’m the kind’ve person that has it together and whose life is ‘figured out’. I can’t even tell you the last time I went grocery shopping, the closest thing in my fridge to protein is a singular egg and the acorn squash I got at Fry’s because it’s cute as hell and I think cost a dollar.
While I know I’m only twenty-four and that’s an early, novice level in the grand scheme of this big mess we call life I still feel valid in giving input on what I’ve learned thus far, so take it or leave it. After these last twenty years (not sure I remember anything before the age of four), I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m officially too old to waste time not being myself.
Let’s talk about this in the context of dating: Recently I was given advice on playing ‘hard to get’ to a guy. Here’s the thing though: I am fucking hard to get. That doesn’t mean I won’t text you back when I see it or that I’ll hide my feelings. Quite the opposite, I will wear my heart on my sleeve (despite the devil on my shoulder that tells me that people will leave when they get to know the real me). I will be so transparent en lieu of wanting to act like this tough, sarcastic asshole that can’t be hurt. In reality, I get my feelings hurt so very easily.
It’s the cancer woman in me, the astrological sign not the other one… that’s gone now
But I refuse to let boys or anyone dim my light.
I will keep showing up as my true, authentic self.
Each person that decides that’s too much or not right for them, I welcome it. It doesn’t mean they’re wrong, they’re just not for me. Which is so viscerally OKAY. We live in a world where not everyone is meant to mesh in an intimate way.
I used to wonder how the majority of relationships don’t just work out. I mean once you get past like a month of seeing eachother you really know whether or not you want to continue seeing this person. Outside of different religious views, values and overall directionality of your life - what else really is there to cause people to part ways two, three years into a relationship?
From my last romantic, endeavor I think I realized what it is…
… and that is filling your cup.
And I’m not talking about the sperm one at the bank.
I had this guy that I had gone out with a few times and for the first time in a while I felt I could see some relationship potential. Here’s the thing though: while yes he was attractive and could actually hold a conversation, he did not fill my cup.
It was great when we were together and he did the things like making the dinner reservations, paying and holding doors. But that’s about where it ended. In the days between seeing one another I’d experience anxiety because I was not getting the emotional reassurance I needed. Now this can look different for everyone. I’m not the kind’ve girl that needs a “Good morning beautiful 🥰🥰” text every goddamn day. Honestly, I think I’m better off without it. But at a point where you are consistently seeing someone there (in my opinion) should be some level of communication.
Now here’s where one of my best friend’s Caleb advised me to play the whole hard to get thing and avoid texting the guy. Do you think I listened? Please, I don’t think I’ve listened to a single thing a man has said to me in the last 15 years.
But I’ve since realized something: I shouldn’t have texted the guy. Not because I need to play some mental game. But because of the kind’ve man I am looking for in my life I want someone who will pursue me. Now, I do still believe that if a guy is truly interested in you they will never be turned off by you sending them a message (unless it’s unreciprocated and getting out of hand). But a good indicator of the type of man he is how often / when he texts you when it is unprompted and the two of you are not together.
I both hate and love people and have always been one to branch out and meet new people, but honestly I’m at a point where my cup is so filled that it is constantly filled and overflowing at times. With this cup I am filled to the brim with the love and acceptance of so many friends and family (as well as the forty-year olds at my local dive bar that are enamored with me). I honestly do not have the capacity to be wasting my goddamn time trying to get some guy who’s unsure about me to contribute to what I have to offer.
Now that’s no slight to any man, it’s just made me look and love and relationships in a whole new light and reminded me (in a good way) why it is that I’m single. I need someone who sees how full my cup is and helps to either relieve some of that or hold me steady so I don’t end up spilling all of my contents.
When I find that kind’ve man (or he finds me) that will be the time I take my next relational leap of faith.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
Have you ever had a time in life where many people gave you the same advice and you never took it? Only to randomly do that advice at some far beyond point in time only to realize they were right exuberantly right all along?
Whether it was going out of your comfort zone or a Netflix show they thought you’d like, it all applies.
For years my friends have consulted me on why I give so much to men that give little to none back. I wonder the same fucking thing, and I’ve realized what it is: I fall for the potential. I see what kind’ve partner I think someone can be and I hone in on that rather than the reality of the kind’ve partner they are showing me at that point in time.
Sometimes you need to get burned by the stove one too many times to truly learn the lesson to put on your theoretical oven mit.
This is a lesson that I’ve been stubbornly trying to learn for years now, and for the first time I think it has actually sunk in (but just wait til I meet another guy I actually like to put this theory to the test.. I have a date this week so stay tuned).
As always I appreciate the hell out of each and every one of you fuckers.
Sending love your way
Xoxo Mild Girl
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